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On Black, Fat, Femme Positivity: Why I'm at My Heaviest, My Most Confident, and Don't Need Your Approval to Exist

"If I breathe in public for five seconds, it’s also common that someone will feel the need to tell me, “YASSSSS!” in an attempt to ch...

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Long time, no type...

Hey buddy!

It's been a while.

Updates? Well, I bought some cheap art, a floor lamp, and a TV stand from Big Lots for my living room. I also got a small lamp from Goodwill :) Built the furniture myself--including my previously purchased bookshelf and shoe shelf!

Oh! And I got my driver's permit! #WutWut! *proceeds to raise proverbial roof*

Very exciting stuff! Things about a car are up and moving. Shh!!! Don't tell nobody!

Hahaaa! I'll be rollin' soon. Ain't gon' be able to tell me nothing. Unless of course, you're the police and I'm ridin' dirty...

I'm doing alright, peeps. Living and learning...and then getting Luvs...wait o.O

Work has been up and down.

I'm constantly encountering learning experiences left and right that leave me questioning 'am I good enough?' Learning to navigate in a working world with superbly high expectations and seemingly small but overwhelming demands can prove daunting for a fish out of water girl out of college. I'm really trying to not blow up into tears when things go awry. I'm really trying to ensure that what I present to people is not subpar. I'm really trying to do well. But being a performer is not my most extraordinary of qualities. Perfectionism hits. The pangs of a populace peering at a me to provide unprecedented service scares the senses out of me. Coming from a Christian reality where I find comfort in such a truth as the love and acceptation I receive from God not being predicated on my performance, I step out and into a dichotomous, almost parallel universe where my performance ALMOST ALWAYS drives the acceptance I receive. It's difficult.

It's darn right hard. Trying to balance myself between two realities can be stressful. Learning to trust God and still be comforted by the aforementioned truth is demanding. It is demanding of my time, my emotions, my energy, my worship, my praise. Making a choice daily to love my God with my everything is probably one of the hardest things I've come to learn at 23.

I suppose it's a lesson that we continue to learn over the course of life. Doesn't mean it's always pleasant. Nonetheless, I'm doing fine. Since I began this draft two weeks ago not too long ago, I was encouraged by a friend that while my performance in the kingdom of God matters, it does not determine acceptance and love into and from God Himself, and I can find comfort in that same truth with my natural life in this world. Everything that I have has been given me by the gracious God. The job I have, the life I live, the blood that pumps from my heart and through my veins are only made possible through the atonement by the shedding of Christ's blood. My life has been claimed, my territory marked and my name written--on the heart of Christ and in the Book of Life. The last thing I should concern myself with is jeopardy facing my job--you know, the one God blessed me with. Realizing that there's no way tragedy can come for me without God allowing it for His glory and my good, is a reassuring notion.

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Until sooner rather than later,