Featured Post

On Black, Fat, Femme Positivity: Why I'm at My Heaviest, My Most Confident, and Don't Need Your Approval to Exist

"If I breathe in public for five seconds, it’s also common that someone will feel the need to tell me, “YASSSSS!” in an attempt to ch...

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

23 without a driver's license...


My name is Mirakol, and I never learned to drive in high school...or college.

Some who are still in their teens may snicker at this fact. Others in their early twenties will feel empathy. Those in their late twenties to thirties and forties will give a knowing nod and maybe an encouraging word.

My very own mother didn't really learn to drive until her mid to late twenties. I have a fair number of good friends who didn't get skillful driving lessons or a license until they were around my age or even older. I used to feel pity for myself, get extremely frustrated and feel stagnant because I'd not acquired a skill many a peer had. In my teens when some of my closest friends were the 'ones with cars,' I was the one who rode along and chalked up gas money where I could. This wasn't a huge issue. Even when I got to be a senior in high school and going into my freshman year of college, my lack of reliable personal transportation was not a huge issue, because I made friends with cars fast! A few awkward rides home during holidays are for another post. I lived on campus the first two years of undergrad and managed pretty well. However, my lack became evident once I moved off campus into my first apartment.

Coming back from my second summer break at home was great! My family helped me move in, and they stocked me up on groceries. It was my third year and I was elated! Things weren't too bad. I lived in walking distance from HEB and the local beauty supply, so life was good! Presumably so, anyway. There were times my roommate and I would go and stock up on groceries...without a car. We'd take the grocery trolleys home--shamelessly--because the the no car struggle was inevitably real. Imagine our dismay when they realized residents in the area were taking trolleys home. They put stoppers on them so that they couldn't roll pass the parking lot. One day, we were stranded with enough food for a family of 5 to 8 people--hey, I was raised to buy in bulk :-)

Even in this, God was faithful. He'd send kind people with trucks asking if we needed help, friends rolling through the neighborhood and even the means to just get a taxi. Besides, I'd rather spend 5 bucks than tote all those groceries. Anywho, you get the idea. Outside of our regular grocery trips, things weren't too bad because so many good friends had cars and we were never in much want. There were times when I felt like a burden or inconvenience... This was pretty much my story up until I graduated college. When I started working January of this year, I realized that not having a car is no fun. My lack of transportation to get to and fro revealed more of a bird's eye view into my lack of freedom. Most friends with cars had graduated, gotten busy with school and life, and I wasn't salty about it. But it did suck to not get around when I wanted to. I wanted to do more. I wanted to get out. I didn't have school to occupy majority of my time anymore.

I started looking at apartments and wanted to find one on a bus line. First, going to look at apartments was a problem. Second, because getting to and from campus conveniently is kind of a big deal since that's where I work. However, I didn't want to stay in a 'student housing' area. After consulting with friends and spiritual family, I found that I shouldn't look for an apartment solely based on my commute. I didn't want to look out of a spirit of lack. However, obtaining proper driving skills and getting a car seemed so far-fetched to me, because it hadn't happened yet. I could trust God to provide with my job and finances, I could trust God to provide to send me on mission, I could trust God when it came to finding an apartment I could pay for, I could trust God with my education and degree. But, I couldn't trust God with something I hadn't seen him do for me before...that was the thought.

Being 23 without a driver's license for me is a bigger issue of walking in God-granted freedom and full assurance and belief in the God of the Holy Bible. The question is can I trust Him with this thing that I wanted to keep safe stifled? Do I really want to walk into God's uncharted territory of love and freedom with wild abandon? Do I really want to embrace the heart of the Father in Christ? To do this would mean to forget all I have known to be true. The lies that say:

I can't.
I won't.
I'm not able.
I'm not worthy.
I'm not worth it.
I'm not beautiful.
I'm not fathered.
I'm not loved.

Getting my license is more about me receiving the truth of the exact opposite of the aforementioned lies. It is more about me being driven than me driving. I am coming to understand that God does things in a timing that perplexes the human mind and ravishes the human heart. In what I thought to be absurdly late, God is fathering me through healthy male relationships.

In one relationship--I like to call him uncle: He's teaching me to drive and showing me what's under the hood of a car. He's also teaching me about real estate and mortgages and purchasing and owning my own place. Sometimes he takes me on mini dates and pays for my meals.

In another relationship--he's my spiritual dad: He hugs me, kisses my forehead and calls me beautiful. He rubs my cheek and tells me all God has spoken to him about me. He texts me "Beloved..." and an encouraging scripture. He lets me know that he understands and hurts for me...that He wants all that God wants for me.

And those are just two...all this to show me His heart. To show me a way only He can father me in spite of the absence of my biological father. Showing me that my biological father was not enough...that He can do a better job in surpassing my ideals of being fathered.

It's amazing, and I grow misty in writing this now. I'm learning to drive. I'm learning to be free.

I can.
I will.
I'm able.
I'm worthy.
I'm worth it.
I'm beautiful.
I'm fathered.
I'm loved.