panic

I'll preface this piece by sharing that I live with chronic mental illness. Among the myriad of diagnoses are major depression and anxiety disorder which rears itself in ugly panic attacks. Life has been very difficult for me, particularly now in the last month. I'm up and down, socially selective, hypersensitive and just a big ball of mush lately. So, content warning if you are faint of heart or just a little tender today to continue with caution and mindfulness of your own triggers. Here is a bird's eye view into my experience with panic attacks...

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the faintest detail. the most minor stressor. the smallest slight
and i begin to feel the tightening in my chest
and the bating of my breath
so i do everything i was taught to cope
i firmly plant my feet--i am grounded
i take deep breaths as well as inventory of my surroundings--i am present; i am safe
in trying hard to convince myself i hadn't realized
the burning tears falling down my face in a scorching stream
the tightening in my chest increases
i hyperventilate
my ankles crossed, my legs shaking
i am in a dark place
i am not safe
i am afraid
i am alone
and in this bathroom stall
curled on the floor beside the toilet
is how i die


if you are suffering, there is help and hope...
national help: http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=urgent_crisis_hotline
local (Austin) help: http://www.rockspringshealth.com/lp/depression-treatment.stml

xoxo,
m

letting go

today i did one of the hardest things i never thought i could do

i let go of a lover who couldn't love me the way i deserve

it was so painful; it is so painful

i cannot honestly say if it is liberating yet...because i didn't want to let him go

but every heartache, missed call, ignored message, broken promise, poor excuse rang more loudly in my ear than the memory of when it was good

i let go of a lover today

a person who in a strange way loved me more than i thought i could be loved

and as painstaking as it is to admit, i know i can be loved better

so much better

xoxo,
m

Moment of Truth:

I haven't been in a very "Christian" space lately.

Spiritual, sure. But my relationship with modern Christianity and the preservation of the components and elements attributed to the identity have left me weary in light of the world's traumas. Don't get me wrong. I love Jesus Christ...so much. But I've grown skeptical of what I've been taught to believe. My convictions have shifted. I have doubts. I have questions that go gravely unanswered or I'm offered Christianisms that don't help to clarify what truths are cultural and what are transcendent. Why do we believe a certain way for a certain thing and otherwise for the another?

I have grown decidedly less religious than I used to be. And I'm okay with that.

Something I'm often reminded of in my seeking and in my doubt is the grace of God and the fact that He sees and loves me.

Today I awoke with this song in my spirit and was reminded again of who God is even in the midst of how shitty the world is right now. Figured I'd share.

xoxo,

m